2020, September 5th

good god

I'm venting in this shitty ass online diary bullshit again so you KNOW I feel like trash today
nothing really bad happened today actually I don't think I just got a shitty mood in the evening then lay in bed half awake for like a couple of hours and now I'm writing this, soon it will be midnight

I looked at myself in the mirror earlier and all I could think was

GOD DAMN. I really do look like that don't I why do I even bother

I got this stupid shoulder-long unruly hair that's too long on the front but I don't wanna go to a hairdresser because they'll "just organise it a little" and then all the months it took to grow are wasted
I try to make it look more... girly? whatever that means
for a few fleeting moments it seems to work and I think "wow I really AM a girl" and then it just goes back and jfhehhd
I have disgusting acne that's been there in some form since I was like 13
there's this weird mud that my mother told me to put on it and it seems to sorta do the job? but idk I haven't really rigorously tested it
worst of all I have a. square ass chin and it's so uhhghfu GOD

(this is a bit less structured and more ranty than last time I'm just feeling pretty tired of everything kinda)

how about I talk about the only living being I've actually come out to as trans
let's call her J
she's trans too and we kinda talked but not a whole lot before I came out to her which, kinda feels like I dumped this info on someone I barely know
she's pretty cool though
we haven't talked in a while, not in DMs - only on the server where we met and even that not very often
she has other friends from that server but I don't talk to them privately though they also seem cool
one is another trans girl who makes Youtube videos and well
I kinda had a really awkward interaction with her and every time I think about it I just wanna cringe out of existence
our few conversations are generally cut short and I'd like to think it's because she's busy but I can't help thinking that it's just because of me
(oh would you look at that it's the 6th now)
the other friend is a cis girl I'm pretty sure and she does really good art
I know her more from another related server that's kinda sorta dead now

ugh wth do I say to her ghod